Redefining Independence
Thirteen ways to find freedom without blowing up your life.
My 29-year-old Pilates instructor is moving to Florida.
Two weeks ago, she was sharing the hot goss from her time as an extra on Hacks, Season 5. Last month, she won an all-expenses paid trip to Ireland on Let’s Make a Deal. And one day, if her fortune comes true, she’ll be cast as a season regular on literally any show on Bravo.
Originally from Seattle and a recent transplant to Orange County, she’d always say, “I’m making the most of my time in California!” Based on her tan alone, she sure was.
And now she’s leaving.
Her fiancé accepted a job offer in Tampa they couldn’t refuse, and a decision was made in less than 48 hours. Just like that, they’re packing up and starting over. New job. New state. New life—one that includes a strategically selected apartment above the flood line because she’s terrified of hurricanes.
And why not? Really, why not pick up everything and move your life when you don’t have kids, pets, a mortgage, or family nearby to consider? I used to do that all the time.
During a recent private session, we talked about all of it. She mentioned wanting exactly what I have someday: a husband, a house, kids, the whole white picket fence thing. But lying on my back with my feet in straps, my toes pointing and flexing while a 13-year-old Justin Bieber coo’d in the background, I found myself wanting what she had, too. I was literally sweating with envy.
That night, I brought it up to my husband.
“Just…wouldn’t it be so exciting if we could, like…pick up everything and move to Michigan or something?,” I asked while showing him photos Ariane Anusbigian had shared from her run in Ann Arbor. Don’t even get me started on the East Coast and the Pacific Northwest. I’ve also heard Amsterdam is very family-friendly…
“Well, sure. But some things just get more complicated the older you get.”
Not wrong.
This led to us talking out a gratitude list, reminding each other how fortunate we are to live near my parents, to be raising our girls in such a vibrant culture, and to call a place home that millions of people save all year to visit. The conversation helped. But, in typical Elin fashion, I couldn’t shake the feeling. Was it grief?
The more I thought about it, I realized it’s not so much about leaving California. “It’s not about the pasta,” a young James Kennedy once said. I’m quite content living here, and I’m always a plane, train, or car ride away from an escape when needed.
But what stayed with me was watching someone have the freedom to make a life-altering decision within the span of a weekend. To totally reinvent their story with the click of a one-way ticket. At 37, with a dog, two kids under four, a mortgage, and my husband’s pension on the line? We could never. At least, not that.
Independence is easy in your 20s when no one needs you, but I’m determined to find it in my 30s anyway. I might not be able to pack up my life with a moment’s notice anymore, but surely I could find some ways to recreate that freedom feeling…
My Personal Declaration of Independence
I, Elin Strong, in pursuit of life, liberty, and more uninterrupted writing sessions, hereby declare independence from…
…feeling bad for wanting more time to work.
…assuming it’s too late to try something completely new.
…letting rejection from the wrong people ruin my day.
…waiting until my kids are older before betting on myself.
…comparing my progress with others.
…saving the bikini for another day.
…thinking I have to niche down my content.
…waiting until I’m ready.
Independence, Reinvented
In practice, these are some ways I’m tapping into freedom this summer.
1. Keeping our weekends free of social plans.
I used to plan out every single weekend, stacking brunch dates with swim class and miscellaneous errands that had piled up from the week prior. Saturday and Sunday tend to work best for making plans with friends working a regular 9-5, but because I work on the weekend, this came at a cost: quality time with my own family. Not this summer. Aside from a couple exceptions, we’re intentionally leaving most weekends open this season for more spontaneity.
2. Outsourcing paid help with my kids.
We’re hiring a babysitter to watch both of my kids for five hours, three Mondays a month—it’s the max we can afford while we’re still on one income. I cannot explain to you how transformational it was to leave my kids with a paid caretaker and feel zero guilt about leaving because of the monetary exchange involved.1 This started last week and will continue through August. I’m not interviewing yet, not even close, but I’m excited to see what happens as these Mondays add up.
3. Building Bang Voyage week by week.
Because it’s The Thing. And it’s mine. Even when growth feels slow, I want to keep trying to put my best work out there—knowing every week won’t be a banger—because I know from experience that consistency matters.
In between drafting and publishing this newsletter, I stumbled upon a relevant quote from James Clear: "What we call luck is often not purely random, but rather the delayed byproduct of consistently putting yourself in good positions." Damn. Key word: consistent!
4. And writing about whatever feels right.
There’s a freedom that comes from embracing the independence to write about an iconic ‘90s movie (and how to dress like one) one week and my sobriety the next. I’ve loved writing about motherhood these past two years, and I’m not planning on fully veering away from that, but I won’t niche down just to fit into Substack’s limited categories. My blog, my rules. This mixed bag of motherhood, style, and career pivot content might not be for everyone, but I’m confident the right readers will stay.
5. Wearing the bedazzled rainbow pants.
Nothing says freedom like wearing something completely you.
6. Sharing the load with my husband.
In most areas of co-parenting and house maintenance, we’ve learned how to divvy up responsibilities quite well. It’s never 50-50, but we’re pretty damn close.
However, when it comes to putting our 3.5-year-old to sleep at night (which requires reading to her until she’s snoring), I’m usually the one to do it—not because my husband won’t, but because I’m a total pushover. All it takes is one, “But I want mama to read me stories!” for me to bend to her will. “You really do? Aw, ok!”
Meanwhile, my husband will put our one-year-old to sleep in less than 15 minutes and have an extended solo evening as a result. It’s time to release the mom guilt! I’ve been better at trading off every other night these past couple weeks, and reclaiming more evening time to myself has been a game changer.
7. Going to a live show alone.
Sure, I could go with someone, but music-loving introverts know a solo show is the ultimate taste of freedom.* See you in August, Widowspeak.
*But if any girl group has an extra ticket to Hilary Duff’s world tour and wants to invite me, take my money.
8. Letting at-home meals be unremarkable.
I learned through intermittent fasting how much time we spend simply thinking about what food we should eat throughout the day. The mental load of keeping ourselves and our families fed is real. So rather than feeling bad about not preparing more homemade meals for my kids, something I seem to never have time for, I’m leaning into easy dinners that free up mental bandwidth. If and when I’m making something from scratch, it’s always going to be from Caroline Chambers.
9. Taking myself on a date.
I did this a couple nights ago on a whim after getting a semi-transformational haircut in one of my favorite neighborhoods in Long Beach. By the time I walked out of the salon, five pounds lighter, it was still bright outside with a breeze that whispered “anything is possible.” Could others hear it, too?
Two paths opened up before me in that moment:
Path A) Drive home and help put my 3-year-old to sleep.
or
Path B) Stay.
My hairdresser found me sitting on a bench in contemplation and further encouraged me to “make a night of it!” She recommended a Thai restaurant right up the street from my old apartment—the home where Tommy proposed, the home we returned to after countless adventures in our van, the home before kids. For the nostalgia alone, I stayed.
I read several chapters from Maurene Goo’s latest novel, One and Only. I people watched. I even wrote a stream of consciousness in my Notes app while waiting for my Chicken Pad Thai. As someone who typically spends solo time doing something “productive,” the experience was nothing short of extraordinary.
A random stranger told me in a not-creepy way that I was beautiful while I walked to my car, and while I don’t think of myself that way, the ease in my demeanor must have lit up my best features. I’d been transformed from the inside out.
10. Pitching before I think I’m qualified.
Did that last week for the first time ever. Eek.
11. Prioritizing at least four days of weekly exercise.
Aside from my solitary writing practice, nothing feels quite as selfish (in a good way) than getting my body moving and working up a sweat. It’s empowering to feel myself getting stronger and to literally see the results of a committed practice. Feeling hot is freedom!
12. Changing My Mind
Independence is revisiting your goals and realizing you don’t have to chase something impressive if it no longer feels like it’s for you.
For example, I used to want to run a marathon.
I’m not saying I’ll never run 26.2 miles one day—my mom ran one later in life after being diagnosed with MS—but I’m releasing the pressure to do it. Not because it isn’t an incredible achievement, but because, if I’m honest with myself, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore.
I’ve run a handful of half-marathons, most recently while pregnant with my second daughter, and I think that’s enough. Instead, I’m thinking I’d rather learn to play tennis. Oh my god, is this midlife?
13. Leaving my phone at home.
An accident, usually, but the most freedom of all.
A couple housekeeping notes:
I’m heading to Indiana for a family vacation and will be taking the following two Sundays off from posting. Consider this my summer break. I’ll miss you! I’ll be back!
I’m thinking about putting together a Bang Voyage Q&A to celebrate two years of writing here. Is there anything you’ve been curious to ask me? It could be about writing, motherhood, sobriety, style, career pivots, building Bang Voyage, or something completely unexpected.
Two years ago, on July 19th if we’re being exact, I published my first Substack post. In honor of my anniversary month, I’m offering a 20% discount on annual memberships for the rest of July. You’ll unlock the full archive, yes, but you’ll also be supporting the work that goes into publishing Bang Voyage every week. I treat this like a real job, and every paid subscription helps me feel like that’s not such a crazy thing to do. :)
Thank you so much for reading! Publishing this newsletter on a weekly basis is a true labor of l-o-v-e! If you enjoy Bang Voyage, I’d be so grateful for your support.
A few easy ways to help:
Like, comment, or share this post (every single one makes my entire day!)
Buy me a coffee and fuel my caffeine
addictionhabitOr upgrade to a paid subscription (it’s so validating and means the world!)
Follow me on Instagram 💚 (bc it’s fun to be friends on all the apps!)
ICYMI, the last few issues of Bang Voyage:
But to be so clear, I also very much value help from my mom! I just tend to willingly spend more time with the kids when she’s around…because I like spending time with her, too.
I need to come back to enjoy this in full peace & quiet but just a quick I’M SO PROUD OF YOU and I love your Declaration of Independence!!!
Number 8 is key for me. We have 6-8 meals we rotate every week because I just can’t imagine trying a new recipe at this stage in my life. Also, the solo date, dream!!!!