Being a SAHM is Harder Than I Thought

And other lessons learned after 18 months as a stay-at-home-mom.

Is there anything more jarring than hearing a mystery voice call your name from behind your back when you have zero social battery left?¹ As someone who’s raising a family in the same county where my parents raised me, it happens every so often — like the other week at noon in an Anthropologie. For a brief second between hearing, “Elin?!!” and discovering who the voice belonged to, my internal dialogue sounded something like this —

No, no, no, no, no.

Shit.

WHO IS IT?

Should I pretend I didn’t hear them?

Too late, I can hear them walking toward me.

I slowly turned around, and there she was. No one to be afraid of at all. It was a woman I hadn’t seen in fifteen years, so not exactly an ideal run-in while running errands with a baby strapped to my midsection, but it was nice to see her. I forgot her name in the moment (don’t make me say ‘mom brain’), but her face, which was still a doppelgänger for Snow White — that I could instantly place. We followed each other on Instagram, so I mentally pulled up the social data I had picked up throughout the years — mom of two, lawyer married to another lawyer, and a former friend who happens to still live here, too.

She must have mentally pulled up my social data, too, because the first thing she said after a few pleasantries was, “I’m so jealous that you get to spend your days with your kids. I sometimes wish I did that, too.”

“Oh, don’t be,” I nearly blurted out. While I was wearing my favorite white tee and a pair of parachute pants, I felt pretty disheveled from the neck up. I was so tired from my 59th night in a row of broken sleep. That day, I would have killed to be in her position — shopping on her lunch break before grabbing a meal with her husband, both of her kids in the hands of professional caretakers.

After taking a short pause to reign in an overly emotional response, I simply said, “Yeah, I feel pretty lucky. But I also want to work a paid job again at some point. I’ve learned that both roles, being a working mom and being a stay-at-home-mom, are so hard no matter what. This is hard, and what you’re doing is hard, too. It’s all hard!”

In that unspoken way moms communicate, we both recognized our mutual envy for one another but also knew that neither of us had it any better. The grass might always look greener on the other side, but stay-at-home moms and working moms are standing on the same lawn. We probably could have commiserated together beside the clothing racks of Anthropologie until closing time, but she was heading to lunch, and I had a baby to feed, so the conversation ended quickly after that.

All in all, we must have spoken for less than five minutes — but man, I haven’t been able to get our mini-reunion out of my head. What else could I have told her about what I’ve learned after spending 18 months as a full-time mom? Aside from what I shared with her that day, I could think of a few other things.

It’s harder than I thought it would be.

Just like you can’t fully understand and respect how tough the customer service sector is until you’ve worked in it yourself², I didn’t fully grasp the extreme sport it is to be a stay-at-home-mom until I tried it. I knew the work would be challenging at times, but I wasn’t prepared for the identity shift, physicality, and total lack of independence that came with it. Being a SAHM has been the most rewarding and challenging role of my life yet.

And yeah, it’s a job — without a clock out button.

Just to be clear. That’s why many of us pay kind strangers hundreds or thousands of dollars a month to care for them.³

Stay-at-home-moms are, ironically, rarely home.

SAHM is an imperfect job title, but I’ve learned to live with it while doing my best to dismantle its stereotypes along the way. Our chief responsibilities include keeping the kid(s) well-nourished, stimulated, socialized, and alive — and if you think we’re doing all that at home, you’ve never stayed indoors with a raging toddler before. We’ve got things to do, people to see, and lives to raise — seven days a week! Call us “stay-at-home” moms, but stay we do not.

Stay-at-home-mom and house manager are two separate roles.

And they’re both round-the-clock positions. A common misconception is that a parent who is ‘at home’ with their kids should also be fully responsible for keeping the house tidy, too. As we discussed above, SAHM’s have their hands full. My husband and I are both winding down from full-time occupations at the end of the day, so we split household responsibilities pretty evenly as a result. And given the funds to hire a house manager, I knew we’d both be accepting resumes stat.

Mom guilt still exists.

Prior to taking my career pause, I worked at a start-up and only saw my daughter on nights and weekends. As a result, the guilt I felt on a daily basis was insurmountable. When I imagined what it would be like to remove my full-time paid job from the picture and spend full-time with my daughter instead, I thought the mom guilt would go away. Oh, was I wrong! Things I now feel guilty about include, but are not limited to: Relying on screen time when I need a break, saying “no” too often, and being unsure how much longer I can do this without more help.

You’ve gotta let it go though.

Easier said than done, but pushing past guilt is the only way to carve out time for yourself and to actually enjoy it — that last part being especially critical for sanity. As a new mom of two, I’m battling an entirely new wave of guilty feelings — but I’ve learned that no one wins if I don’t take opportunities to recharge. That’s why, if I need a slow morning with coffee in bed and no kids in sight, I don’t wait for my husband to offer — I ask.

Your partner will make or break your experience.

So I hope yours appreciates every goddamn thing you do. Gratefully, my husband views the unpaid labor of childcare as a legitimate profession (as it is) and treats it as such (as he should). Feeling valued on the reg and hearing praise at the end of the day is key for longevity with this gig — and sorry babe, it’s not going to come from your two-year-old.

Nailing your elevator pitch is key.

You will get asked the inevitable “what do you do?” question by strangers and friends. I’d highly recommend having an answer ready to go so you don’t word vomit all over their wide-eyed faces. Believe me, I’ve been there. My go-to response now is short and sweet: “Right now, I get to be home with my kids…and I’m a writer, too.”

You might revisit passions that were left untapped.

And it’s not because you have the extra time, but that you realize there’s no better time than now. Six months into my career pause, I learned that I needed a creative outlet that had nothing to do with caregiving. For me, that was, and is, writing. The more I push past imposter syndrome and treat this work like a job, the better it feels. Does that mean I’m working two unpaid jobs? Sorta feels that way, but it also feels like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

If you build it (community), they will come (the mom friends).

Unfortunately, a cool crew of stylish moms with kids the same ages as yours don’t show up on your doorstep the moment you trade zoom calls for play dates. Creating the community you want and need in this era requires reaching out, showing up, and doing the work to build and maintain those relationships. While putting yourself out there can be nerve-racking and tiresome in the beginning, it’s worth it when you find yourself sitting at a table one day full of mom friends you can’t live without.

Consuming less is easier than I expected.

When we transitioned to one income, my husband and I made the (necessary) mutual agreement to slash our discretionary spending. I was nervous about making the lifestyle change, but having a modest “fun money” budget every month has helped me to become a savvier shopper and to be more appreciative of what I already have. As an added bonus, I’m spending significantly less mental bandwidth on adding things to cart and hunting for the next best thing.

You don’t need to pause your ambition.

You might even realize that your aspirations can get bolder and reshape into something totally new. In fact, I started this Substack just hours after finding out I was pregnant with our second child — a direct result of motherhood lighting a fire in me. When thinking about what’s next career-wise, my goals are big and remain true to my changed priorities as a mom. I’m a firm believer that you can put your career on hold and still want to find success doing something you love one day. It’s okay to shift your focus to family in the meantime, especially when it’s to do the badass work of raising a decent human.

Other moms are your colleagues.

And just like the office, you need them for venting about the annoying things your (tiny) boss did that day. I get by with a little help from texts with my mom friends.

Experience breeds confidence.

What once seemed hard, and often impossible, now feels second nature — like driving solo with my toddler and newborn in the back seat for the first time. Actually getting out of the car with them on my own though? Still working on that one.

It’s okay to want a break from your children!!!

We all need help with our kids, even those of us who have chosen to spend our 9-5’s with them. The adage “It takes a village” has never rung more true than in being in the shoes of a SAHM for the past year and a half. If we didn’t have my mom’s extra hands once or twice a week, especially during the phase when I was pregnant while caring for a toddler, we would have barely survived.

Your kids will change, and you will too.

My daughter hadn’t even started walking yet when my career pause began. She was in that crawling, pureé eating, “mama” cooing stage that I’ll be trying to freeze in time when my second daughter hits it, too. I could fill pages with all of the amazing things she can do and say today — all of which makes the idea of putting her in a small group of kids (without me) during the day seem far less scary now than it did back then.

Time moves slower, but you’re never not sharing it.

When reflecting on why exactly being a stay-at-home-mom has been the hardest job I’ve ever had (!!!) despite its unmatched highs, I think it comes down to a near total absence of solo time — of being always on the clock. I didn’t realize until I quit my paid job that those were the only set hours I had in a quiet, private space, with zero expectation to converse with anyone aside from zoom calls. In hindsight, I think I took that for granted. Now, “me time” needs to be scheduled or it doesn’t exist.

It took me a year after having my first daughter to feel like myself again.

And even then, I was still someone new. No wonder I wasn’t ready to leave my baby for 50 hours a week when she was only three months old. Looking back, I’d make the same decision all over again, but I sometimes wonder if things would have panned out differently had I experienced a longer maternity leave.

There’s no “right way” to do motherhood.

Whatever title you own, whether you spend your days in an office or at the playground, you’re doing the most — and you’re doing great. I’m still searching for the perfect balance of time with my kids and time for my creative pursuits, but I might always be searching. Maybe you know the feeling, too.

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ICYMI —

1. I’ll answer that. No, there’s not!!!!

2. And if you haven’t, BE NICE! THEY DEAL WITH JERKS ALL DAY LONG.

3. And to be perfectly clear, no fucking judgement. It’s something we are seriously starting to consider now for ourselves.