Babies and the Blues

Is it baby blues or is parenting just fucking hard? Either way, these things have made my toughest postpartum days bearable.

Thursday is the one day a week when I can usually guarantee total freedom from toddler care between the hours of 11 a.m. and 7 p.m. While I’m usually responsible for handling drop-off at my mom’s house, my husband is always the one who picks up our two-year-old on his way home from work. In order to beat rush hour traffic, they have a tradition of getting dinner together near my parent’s place before trekking north. They’ve been spotted out by my friends, and I hear they’re pretty cute.

Before I gave birth to our second daughter, I used to spend this sanctified day with me, myself, and I at a coffee shop — usually writing, sometimes reading, often a little bit of both. While these days look a lot different now with a newborn under my care, I still appreciate the uninterrupted time to bond with my 10-week-old as well as the many naps she takes that have allowed me to continue a writing practice. In fact, I’m writing to you while nap trapped as we speak.

I’m not technically alone anymore on these toddler-free Thursdays, but it can sometimes feel that way when I’m sharing space with a baby who can’t talk and a dog who follows me around like a friendly stalker. The other week, on one particular Thursday afternoon, I felt a sadness creep in out of nowhere. It was like the walls were closing in around me, and several of the emotions I’m familiar with from a history of clinical depression sunk their hooks into me from limb to limb. Despite being a verified introvert, I found myself not wanting to be alone another second.

Truth from our fellow terrestrial.

And yet still, I told myself it would pass, decided to get some fresh air, and waited it out. But baby blues don’t dissipate on demand. No matter how many times I told myself to suck it up for another few hours so my husband could avoid the worst of Southern California traffic (with a toddler in tow!), I became increasingly unsure if that was the right call. When my mind began to spiral into a darker place, I knew I needed help in order to see the light. In this particular case, I needed my husband and daughter to ditch their date and come home.

I tried to refrain from words like “dark pit of despair” while he was mid-lecture. :)

So, what are the baby blues?

First of all, if you’re in it right now, you’re not alone. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, the baby blues affect 80% of new mothers with symptoms ranging from mild to moderate. Rapid hormonal changes, primarily the drop in estrogen and progesterone, are to blame for the onset of mood swings, anxiety, crying spells, poor concentration, and the occasional desire to flee solo to Kauai.¹ Add in sleep deprivation on top of the physical recovery from childbirth, and it’s no wonder that few are spared from this deeply uncomfortable (to say the least) emotional state. Whereas postpartum depression is considered a more severe form of depression that can last for several weeks or months, baby blues typically last for 1-2 weeks and resolve without specialized treatment.²

I was seven weeks postpartum with my second when I found myself going in and out of what I considered the blues — five weeks late according to the data which states that symptoms usually appear within the first few days after delivery. That just wasn’t my experience. In fact, I was on a delightful high after coming home from the hospital. To quote a mother I met in my doctor’s office (and my favorite British pig), those first two weeks felt like I was “on holiday.” Transitioning from one to two is tough, but transitioning from chasing a toddler while pregnant to cuddling a baby while bingeing Netflix is a dream come true in comparison³.

Perhaps that’s why I scored a perfect 0 on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) despite taking the quiz while my boobs were leaking and my newborn was taking back-to-back dumps loud enough for every patient in the building to hear. I must have been having such a good day that not even a blowout with no back-up outfit could bring me down. The next day, I’d dip my toes back into the deep end of anxious thoughts in the morning and dry them off by the afternoon. Baby blues come and go like that. And to be frank, I’m not even totally sure that’s what I was dealing with when the overwhelming thoughts arose. Was it the baby blues or is parenting just fucking hard sometimes?

The questions on the EPDS can feel tricky to answer. Like, I am using all my usual coping skills but I’m employing them way more often than I usually need to. And I’ve not had difficult sleeping from unhappiness but I have had difficulty sleeping and that makes me unhappy!!!! But sure, let’s just say zero.

Regardless, I knew I needed to take action to protect my mental health when I began to experience sad spells every other day. There were a number of helpful strategies I employed throughout the gnarliest twists and turns, and it’s my pleasure to share them with you from the other side of a bumpy few weeks.

Got a baby with a side of the blues? Here’s what helped me.

(And I hope it helps you, too.)

Talk openly about your feelings!!!

Think about someone you can reach out to who understands you to your core and won’t judge you for crying over spilled milk (literally). For me, that’s my husband, mom, sister, and a few close friends. Even just sending a short text or talking on the phone for five minutes to a trusted support person can be game changing. As soon as you let someone else in, you’re no longer alone. If you don’t know who to talk to, I genuinely mean it when I say you can talk to me.

Move it, move it.

Literally, ya’ll. Step one: Turn on your favorite playlist. Tempo doesn’t matter. Step two: Stand up. Step three: Move hip to right, move hip to left. Repeat until you’ve done what qualifies as dancing. Not into that kind of movement? If you’re cleared to exercise, try an at-home workout (I’m a Peloton girlie) or leave your children with your partner so you can go for a run. The key is to move and ideally to sweat. As Elle Woods said, “Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, happy people just don’t kill their husbands, they just don’t.” That last part doesn’t sound like it applies here, but it does. Trust.

Eat something that grew on a tree.

Or that wasn’t born inside a wrapper. Annoyingly, an apple will do more for you than a box of Jo Jo’s may promise it will. My most emotionally stable days postpartum have consistently been those when I’ve prioritized balanced meals rather than snacking on Trail Mix all day. And by snacking on Trail Mix, I mean picking out all of the M&M’s. Treats can help sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but moderation is key for staying regulated.

Take a supplement.

I’m not a doctor so don’t ask me which one to take, but you should be taking a Postnatal. Let’s just leave it at that.

Let the sunshine smack you in the face.

Hard. You don’t even need to go for a walk, although I’d recommend that. Simply step outside and let the fresh air and vitamin d do what they do. I can guarantee that you will feel better almost instantly or your money back.

Stop watching true crime for a second.

You heard me, Murderinos. There’s only one form of media you should be taking in during a season of baby blues and blah’s and that’s comedy, hunny. Turn off the latest American Nightmare and press play on something like Hacks instead. Much funnier, much more enjoyable, much more likely to improve your mood even if temporarily. If there’s something that’s made you laugh recently, please leave it in the comments for anyone who needs a lol. I’ll get us started with a few letters that have made me spit out my coffee:

• One Mom's Chill is the Power Move We've Been Waiting For by Shelly Mazzanoble’s

  Middle-Aged Lady Mom

• Is this dessert? by Nicole Garelick’s

  The Performance Plan

• Unacceptable Behavior of the Lunchtime Variety by Charlotte’s

  Baby Brain

Or just tune into The Office. This man gets it.

Lower your standards.

I’m an elder sister and rising virgo, so naturally I create a to-do list every single morning before getting out of bed. Prior to finding any sort of flow with the transition from one to two, I made checklists that literally just included things like: Make bed, take supplements, go for a walk, etc. We’re talking the most basic of tasks here, but checking them off made me feel like I was accomplishing things other than nursing. Honestly, it still does.

Put some clothes on, girl.

Get dressed, get results. It’s not science but is it not science??? Without fail, putting even the most minor effort into what I’m wearing during the day (regardless if it’s an entire day spent at home) makes a massive impact on my mental health. Sometimes all I need is lip butter, a clean nursing bra, and my favorite soft pants to feel like I totally got this. On the contrary, not caring enough to wash my face and put on a fit that sparks confidence will have me feeling the blues — baby in the picture or not.

Actually nap while the baby is napping.

Or at the very least, lay down and stare into the void. (They call that resting.) Ugh, this one is sooooo annoying to me because there’s nothing I enjoy less than “wasting” my alone time, but denying productivity is worth it to help offset a very real sleep deficit in the newborn days. Do I always take this advice? No. Am I an emotional basket case sometimes as a result? SURE. Do as I say, not as I do.

Wash your gorgeous bod!!!

The “just add water” parenting advice doesn’t only apply to our children. Turns out that caring about ourselves enough to wash our bodies and occasionally shave our pits can be a quick and effective way to calm us down, too. Brushing your hair, washing your face, and wearing your favorite perfume can only help further. Make the time.

Cling to mom friends.

Moms need each other always but especially when the walls close in. My partner will forever be the first person I turn to in times of need, but he’ll never really understand what I’m going through like another mom will — and that can be isolating sometimes. It’s become necessary for me to have a community of likeminded women on speed dial to remind me that I’m not alone. That said, I’ve worked hard to strengthen my IRL friendships with moms in my area, but, man, I love the Substack mom community a lot. Sure, we’ve never met IRL, but the vulnerability and support I’ve found here has been low-key life changing this past year. Can we have one giant meet-up one day, pretty please?

Get back out there, baby.

When I returned to the play date scene, my morale got a meaningful bump. Making plans to meet up at a coffee shop was an opportunity to get dressed up for a quality iced latte with a good friend, and it was a chance to practice going out with two kids. Every time an outing didn’t go horribly wrong, I got a little more confident with my new role as a mom of two.

Ask for help.

Wait, how did this end up all the way down here? This might be the most important strategy of all. If nothing else works, this one always will. Need your partner to sit with you so you’re not alone? Ask. Want to take a road-trip to your favorite coffee shop, bookstore, or boutique for a pick-me-up by yourself or with some company? Ask. Just ask.

Treat yourself.

I normally don’t recommend retail therapy as actual therapy, especially while on a budget, but if there’s anyone who deserves a little something nice it’s a mom who just gave birth and is now doubling as a dairy cow. If there’s a pair of shoes⁴ or fun pants that have been on your wishlist, I can’t think of a better time to add ‘em to cart. Soak in that sweet dopamine hit you damn well earned.

Remember that no feeling is final.

Every feeling is valid, but no feeling lasts forever. Not only that, the baby blues are totally normal! YOU are normal — and a great mom at that. You’ll get through this just like every other hard thing you’ve navigated in this life. After all, you made a fucking human. If you can do that, you can do anything.

It also helps a great deal when your baby starts looking at you like this, too.

Postpartum Health Support Resources

• Postpartum Support International (PSI) offers online support groups and educational materials.

• Psychology Today is a great resource to find a therapist near you. Filter by ‘perinatal’ or ‘maternal mental health.’

• March of Dimes: Maternal Mental Health provides educational resources on maternal mental health complications and advocacy.

• Call the Postpartum Support International Helpline at 1-800-944-4773 or text “HELP” to 800-944-4773. It’s not a crisis line, but you’ll receive support, resources, and referrals within 24 hours.

• For 24/7 free and confidential support, reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.

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1. Jokes about starting a new life in Hawaii aside, if your symptoms last longer than two weeks or worsen, it could indicate postpartum depression in which case seeking help from your doctor or a mental health professional is recommended. Your doctor can assess your symptoms to determine the best course of treatment. Remember, you are not alone. With the right support, you will get through this.

2. And let me be so clear that I am not a doctor. Please seek help from a qualified professional if you need it. You’re a great mom, and it’s okay to not be okay. Support is out there!

3. A supportive partner is required to make this holiday a reality.

4. Note: Some of the links included in this newsletter are affiliate links, meaning if you purchase something, I may receive a teeny tiny percentage. I only share things I love, and I am so very grateful for your support.